. Regurgitated Alpha Bits: This One's for the Kiddies

Monday, March 3, 2008

This One's for the Kiddies

Hey Kids!
Are you frequently getting in trouble at school?
Tired of those pesky notes home to your parents?
Wish there was a way to avoid that weekend of being grounded?
Have I got the solution for you!
Forgery! (In kid language, that means that YOU sign your parent's name to the note.)
It's THAT simple! I know, you're not sure if that's the right thing to do. Maybe you could land in more trouble than if you just faced up to what you did? Well, my answer to that is:
Of Course Not! Whose gonna know it was you?
By following my few simple tips, you can sign your worries away and enjoy a restriction-free weekend of working up a sweat on your Wii, feeling the wind in your hair on your bike, and endless consumption of junk food.
Read on if you're interested in this remarkable product.
How to Avoid Getting Caught when Forging a Parent's Signature
Tip #1 - Practice on a separate piece of paper first
  • Know your parent's real first and last names. Although you have always referred to them as "Mom" and "Dad," they have real first and last names. Affixing the name "Mom" to a note might raise a red flag with your teacher.

  • A misspelling in the parent's name. Most parents know how to spell their own name and rarely do they make mistakes when writing it. Be sure you know the correct spelling of the name.

  • Obvious eraser marks. Again, most parents know how to spell their own name. It is not often they have to erase it and try again.

  • Scribbling out and rewriting. I cannot stress this enough. Parents know how to spell their own names. Don't screw this one up!

  • The use of White-Out. See previous 3 explanations.

Tip #2 - Ensure you know the proper formation of cursive letters

  • Parents sign their names in cursive. If you do not know how to write in cursive, find someone who does; preferrably an older sibling who "owes you one, big-time." Do not, under any circumstances, print your parent's signature.

  • Be sure to form the cursive letters correctly. The backwards lowercase "f" or the lowercase "p" that looks like a giant-headed ant with a distended belly might tip teachers off to the fact that the signer of said note has underdeveloped cursive skills. Hone those cursive skills BEFORE you attempt to forge a signature.

Tip #3 - Remove any and all previous parental signatures from the school site as these might be used for comparison purposes.

  • Start with the classroom. Seek out and destroy any notes or forms that might contain a parent's signature. To complicate matters, teachers are notoriously disorganized when it comes to paperwork so papers could be anywhere! Be sure to check each filing cabinet (including UNDER the hanging files), inside the teacher's desk, in or near the briefcase and/or purse, on every shelf, inside every story book, under the coffee cup, on every table, between the pages of the lesson plan book and teacher's manuals, under the potted plants, and in the pockets of the teacher's coat.

  • Widen the search area. In ever-larger concentric cirles, expand the search area for paperwork that might contain a signature. Be sure to include any other classrooms that the teacher may have stopped in to chat and accidently left them behind on a table covered in papers that looked exactly like the ones the teacher may have been holding originally. Also check the restrooms and under the seats of the teacher's car.

  • Don't forget the school office. Rumor has it, the office is loaded with papers that contain signatures. The best plan of attack for a location as secure as the office would be a commando-type night raid. Again, that older sibling might make a good wingman for this.

And that's it!

No muss, no fuss. Your freedom is practically guaranteed!

Try it the next time you get a note sent home!

*The author of this post accepts no responsibility for punishments and/or consequences incurred by the implementation of the recommendations listed above. Any and all consequences should be expected and accepted by the chucklehead who thought he or she could follow the advice of the aforementioned posting.

No comments: