You Have the Right to Remain Silent

...but if you do, I'll presume you're guilty.

We teachers must be the police officers of our own little worlds. How many times has a "crime" been committed in the classroom or on the playground that we must investigate?

For me, like a billion times a day.

Ok. That might be a slightly inflated number.

I like to do the Good Cop/Bad Cop routine, however due to a lack of grown-ups in my room, (there's only one and it's me and I realize referring to me as a grown-up is sometimes stretching the truth) I must play both parts.

Here's generally how it works.

Child A comes to me sobbing HY-STER-I-CALLY and says something like:

Child A: Iwasontheplaygoundandsallygotallherfriendstomakefunofmyshoes.(snifflesniffle)

So I say: Whaaat?

So Child A says: Iwasontheplayfoundand SALLY gotallherfriendstomakefunofmyshoes!(snifflesniffle)

Me: Sally did what?

Child A: Made(sniffle)fun(sniffle)of(sniffle)myshoes.

Me: Sally made fun of your shoes?

Child A: NoooOOoo!(sniffle)

Me: Well, that's what I got outta what you said.

And that's when another child, eavesdropping from her seat and fluent in Sobbingese, translates: She SAID, Sally got ALL HER FRIENDS to make fun of her shoes.

Me: Oh.

And so the clock starts ticking on the 48 free seconds I have to solve this mystery.

We all know, if I call Sally over and ask if this incident occurred, she's going to lie to save her bacon. That is why I never do that.

I give her time to stew before I ask her to lie.

First, I interview witnesses. I take copious notes on what is said by all the witnesses, keep facts that are the same and throw out what is different, and am usually left with some semblence of the truth...

...if you're comfortable with a truth that is about as clear as mud.

In all honesty, I usually have NO idea what really happened.

Knowing the truth is not what matters. Having Sally THINK I know the truth is what matters.

When the interviews are done, I then take Sally aside and say: Sally. I've just been talking to some other students about an incident on the playground. After talking to the others, I now understand what happened (Yeh, right). You have been named as one of the participants (Which is the only fact I AM sure of). I'm just gathering facts here and would like your side of the story. I am counting on your honesty (therefore I am prepared to hear a lie).

And then Sally tells me a whole long explanation that is completely fabricated and is designed to make her look innocent. (Because to a kid, "Tell your side" means "Lie, Lie, LIE!" and she's had all this time to think it up.)

And I say: Sally, I already KNOW the truth (Ha!). Your story does not match the facts given to me by the others. I want you to be very sure that you've told me everything as it happened. Maybe you just got confused a bit?

So Sally jumps at that opportunity and says she MAY have been a little confused. She then tells me a story that implicates her juuuuuust a teensy bit but not fully.

And I say: Sally. I'm sure you're not fully being honest with me (I think). I want to help you with this (I want this over with), but I can't until you start telling the whole truth. Your facts just don't add up with what I KNOW is the truth (I think). Now, if you continue to be dishonest with me, I'll be forced to increase your consequences (even though I haven't the faintest idea what consequences to give for an incident I don't fully understand).

It is here that Sally realizes that she is indeed going to be getting some consequences, but the severity of which she might have some control over and she'd like to take advantage of that.

Sally: Ok! I DID IT! Igotallmyfriendstomakefunofhershoes(snifflesnifflesob).

I don't really know what she said, but it sounded a lot like what the other kid said so I take it as the truth.

I hand out some rough justice and move on with my day, satisfied that another wrong has been righted in my room...

...I think.