. Regurgitated Alpha Bits: It's Going Around, So Don't Step in It

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

It's Going Around, So Don't Step in It

My class has a cold. The entire lot of them, as if contaminated by some giant Agent Orange-like germ sprayer, have contracted colds. I am the sole survivor...The Omega Man of room 26. There is little chance I can avoid this plague forever, and I doubt I have much time left. By the time you read this, I might already be infected. Tell my mother I loved her.

Of course, teaching sick children presents its own set of difficulties. Many of the kids are present under duress, or because their parents simply can't afford to miss a day of work to stay home with them. They look like zombies with glazed over eyes and mucus dripping from every orifice. The lucky ones have reached the end stages of their illnesses and are rounding the corner to good health. Unfortunately, they must hack and cough the remaining germs out of their little bodies and that can be a bit distracting during a lesson.

The following is a transcript from yesterday. For clarity, my dialogue will be written in black and my class will be in red:

Me: Good Morni(cough)g! We have a busy (cough)ay ahead of us!(coughcough) Today we ar(cough) learning ab(cough)ut prefix(cough)s and suf(cough)xes. When reading a w(cough)rd, it's im(cough)tant to know the m(cough)ning of both the base w(cough)ds AND the prefixes and (coughcough)xes. It's VERY important that you remember (coughcoughcoughcoughcoughcough), so keep that in mind.

Let's ge(cough) started with some pr(cough)tice words. RENEWED has a (cough)fix. Can anyone tell (coughcoughcoughcough) is? Yes, Jimmy?

Jimmy: (coughcoughcoughcoughcough)
Me: It's ok...try to slow down your breathing.
Me: Ok...one more try.
Jimmy: (cough) Re-?
Me: Actually that is not correct. I asked for the (cough)fix. Does anyone know that answer? Yes, Susan?
Susan: (coughcoughcoughcoughcoughcoughcoughCOUGHCOUGHCOUGHCOUGH) bbrrip
My class: EEEeewwww...Susan Faaaarted! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Me: That's enough. Sometimes we can cough so hard that we pass gas. It's perfectly natural. We're moving on. Eyes on me, please.
My class: hehehehehe
Me: Yes, Larry? I see your hand up. Do y(cough) have a ques(cough)on?
Larry: Susan's crying.
Me: I'm sure she's upse(cough). She and I will talk in a (cough)inute.
Larry: Susan's cryin(cough) and she smells reeeeally bad (cough). She smells like p(cough)p.
Me: Ooohhhhhh. I'm going t(cough) talk to (cough)san now. Please take out your (cough) and (cough) until I'm (cough)ed.

Yes, dear readers, my little Susan had coughed the sh*t out of herself. I told you teaching sick children presents its own set of difficulties.

That is one fourth grade memory Susan will keep forever.


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness!! you had me on the floor laughing at this one!! the computer screen is a blur as i try to look through my tears of laughter. i too am a teacher and can relate to your mucus-infested classroom. i have a student whose nose had remained congested and drippy since last year when i had him. would it be bad to spray every child with lysol before they enter and exit our classroom? would we get parent phone calls about that?? poor susan...i think that memory will stay with ME as well! hehehe


Edna Lee said...

Thank you! My only advice for dealing with sick students is to treat them as if they were radioactive and always protective gear when they are near.

Thanks for the comment!

Edna Lee said...

That should have been "Always WEAR protective gear..."
...long night

CaliforniaTeacherGuy said...

I'm glad it's YOUR classroom, and not mine!

Edna Lee said...

In all honesty, I WISH I was in your classroom and not mine right now! (coughcough)

Anonymous said...

Ew. This is why I would teach high school. Teenagers of full of shit, but at least it stays inside!

Edna Lee said...

My students are unable to conceal their shit like teenagers. It's all out there when you're a little kid!