. Regurgitated Alpha Bits: That’s Craptastic

Sunday, May 18, 2008

That’s Craptastic

I've got a little story for you.

It's not my story. It belongs to another teacher at school, but she is more than happy to have me share it with you.

It's also not a recent story. It's from a few years ago, but I never tire of hearing it.

What makes it so wonderful is that, like many tales we tell kids, it has a moral.

In fact, let me start with the moral.

If you accidently crap your pants at school, don't panic!

Chapter One

Once upon a time, in a sunny land far, far away, there lived a boy name Roscoe. Roscoe was a nice child who always helped out his teachers and parents. He attended sixth grade at his local school and had many friends.

Roscoe prided himself on always following the rules. He listened carefully when the teacher instructed the class and reliably completed every assignment. He was a shining star in his class and a role model to others.

But Roscoe did have one flaw.

Despite his bright and happy exterior, Roscoe harbored a dangerous secret and it was only a matter of time before it bubbled over.

Roscoe had

very

full

bowels.

Why were they so full? Why didn't he just empty them?

He did not empty them because Roscoe did not want to poop at school.

Every day ended with a hurried goodbye and a mad dash to his bathroom at home. One time, in a moment of extreme urgency, he even convinced his grandfather to pick him up at lunch so that he could go at home and return before the bell rang to signal the end of lunch recess.

Roscoe had managed to keep his bathroom issues a secret for his entire elementary school career until there came a day when he could not wait until he got home.

Chapter Two

It was a normal day at school. After taking his seat right after lunch, Roscoe began to feel a strange sensation in his stomach. As his stomach churned and gurgled, he began to feel an unmistakable pressure building up. He hesitated to ask to be dismissed because they had just returned from lunch. After a few moments though, he felt he had no choice.

No one knows for sure what happened next. We only can look back and wonder why something so awful could happen to such a nice boy.

Whoops…meant to say boy's restroom.

Chapter Three

When Roscoe did not return to class, his teacher sent another student to the restroom to check on him. That student returned, but without Roscoe. The student reportedly stood in the doorway of the restroom and called Roscoe's name, but to no avail. He did see what appeared to be vomit on the floor at the entranceway though.

The mystery concerned his teacher so she called the office to report the child M.I.A.


Office:
Hello, this is the office.

Ms. Whatever:
Hi, this is Ms. Whatever. I sent Roscoe to the restroom, but now I can't find him. Have you seen him?

Office:
Oooohhh yaaaahhh. We've seen him… He's standing outside in front of the nurse's office waiting for his grandfather.

Ms. Whatever:
Nurse's office? Grandfather? Wait, why is he standing outside?

Office:
Because he's covered in crap and reeks too badly to be inside.

Ms. Whatever:
Covered in CRAP?

Office:
Yup. Seems he had a little accident. You should see the boy's restroom.


A little accident?

A LITTLE accident?

As I said, no one knows for sure what happened when Roscoe had his "little accident," but that accident sure as hell did not qualify as LITTLE.

From what we could tell, it appeared that Roscoe had to go reeeaallly badly and did not quite make it to the toilet. But we are not quite sure how crap ended up on the floor in multiple stalls, on the walls, in the sink, on the mirrors, and on the doors.

Oh, and all over Roscoe as well.

We think he may have panicked when his uncontrollable crapping began and tried to clean it up while still crapping. This is only a theory, though. One fact we do know for sure is the custodian had to don a rubber suit and mask to hose out the restroom with a power sprayer and then sanitize it.

The teacher called Roscoe's parents after school to check on him and apologize for not recognizing sooner that he needed to go so badly. They said it was all Roscoe's fault. His stubbornness about the restroom put him in this situation.

And so boys and girls, if you take any lesson away from this little tale, let it be:

If you accidently crap your pants at school, don't panic!

(Note: Lesson # 2 (hehehehe) is to always keep an open mind about crapping at school on a regular (hehehehe) basis in the first place.)



5 comments:

Wamblings said...

eeeeuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwww

Melissa B. said...

My nephew (who's almost 21 now) has these kinds of issues. He used to walk home at lunch to do his duty. Don't know how he handles it at college!

Leah said...

Haha. Glad I don't have those issues. I'll just go any old place.

B.B. said...

I love this blog :-) happy to have found it. You would be surprised that in my (mere) 4 years of teaching- I have witnessed crap smeared on mirrors and walls 3 times!

Wamblings said...

It occurs to me I should read this to my daughter who teaches preschool. I think she might have had this kid in the Montessori bathroom a couple weeks ago.