How NOT to Make Friends

I'd like to dedicate this one to all the fourth graders out there.

Here's how to NOT make any friends at all:

Take your hand and shape it into a beak-like mouth.

Place your hand right next to the ear of the person sitting next to you on the lunch benches. (Mere millimeters away is best.)

Open and close your "mouth-hand" while repeatedly saying, "meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep meep."

Next, and this is key, ignore the pleas of the person to whom you are meeping ceaselessly, even if they say "please." Ignore his/her friends when they ask you stop as well.

Do this for the duration of lunch and you're pretty much a shoe-in for the "Friendless Loner" award in fourth grade.

How NOT to Get Back at Someone Who Won't Stop Meeping in Your Ear

Under any circumstances, do not concoct a plan with your friends to tell the teacher that the Meeper made his fingers into a gun and said, "I am going to shoot you" IF the Meeper did not indeed actually do that. While getting him suspended under false pretenses SOUNDS like a good way to stop the meeping, there are more effective avenues.

Besides, you're nine year olds and haven't perfected the dynamics of group lying. The students less experienced in "telling lies decided upon in committee;" students also known as "only children," will throw the rest of you under the bus without hesitation if they think it might save their own skins.

Bottom line, you will get caught and the consequences will be steep. You get 2 days detention while the Meeper gets off scot-free.

As an aside:

You'd be far better off tripping him and making it look like an accident. Kids fall all the time on the playground. How are we teachers supposed to know the difference?