. Regurgitated Alpha Bits: A Miracle Drug

Sunday, March 9, 2008

A Miracle Drug

I don't know if it's just the water at my school, but we teachers have found it is a miracle cure for pretty much anything. I utter the phrase, "Why don't you go put a little cold water on it and see how you feel after that" no fewer than 16 times a day.

The benign:

Got a paper cut?
Owww! I know that must sting. Why don't you put a little cold water on it...

Have a little headache?
Awwww. Why don't you wet a paper towel with a little cold water and put it on your forehead...

Feeling tired this morning?
I know that feeling. Try a little cold water on your face...

Hiccups?
Try sipping a little cold water...

Hangnail?
Yikes! How about a little cold water on it...

Tummyache?
I'll bet you just need a little cold water in your belly. Got get some...

Scrape your knee at recess?
Ouch! Wash it with soap, then put a little cold water on it. You'll be fine...

Arm hurts when you "move it like this"?
First, stop moving it like that. Next, head into the restroom and run a little cold water over it...


Have a big argument with your best friend for the 8th time this week?
I know you're upset. Go drink a little cold water to help you calm down...


I have prescribed cold water for things that, if they'd happened to me, would have driven me to take a week off of work:


Accidently staple your finger instead of the paper?
Ugh! Let's get that staple out of there and then get a little cold water on your finger...

Swallow a bug while swinging on the swings?
Blak! Go drink a little cold water and drown that stowaway...


Have an itchy red spot on you skin?
Go dab a little cold water on it, and don't touch anyone else!

Take a 102 mph tetherball to the side of the face?
I'll bet when he wakes up he'll want a little cold water on that cheek. Let's have some on hand...

I have prescribed cold water for so many ailments, my students have actually begun believing it is truly a panacea for everything.

Larry: Go get Ms. Lee! I just glued my hand to Susie's head.
Susie: No, let's just pour a little cold water on it.


Me: Today we're having an emergency drill. We practice so you know what to do in case I am not here or unable to go with you.
Jamie: You mean you could get hurt and we would have to leave you here?
Me: We just want to be sure you guys know where to go to be safe.
Jamie: If you got hurt, I would come back for you with help and a little cold water.


Lucy: Ms. Lee, I think my hamster is really sick. He hasn't been moving at all, even after I put a little cold water on him. Do you think he's dead?


Billy: Ms. Lee! Jimmy just fell off the monkey bars and and now his left leg is facing the wrong way. Should I go get a little cold water? Ms. Lee? Ms. Lee? Wake up...

...Someone go get Ms. Lee a little cold water!!!!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

You crack me up! I must say that "go get some cold water" is one of my top 3 things I'd say to my kids when they have some kind of "ailment". Here are my two other reasons: number 2 would be "What did you eat this morning?" as the complaint is usually my stomach hurts from eating nothing to eating something that I know usually gives me a stomachache in the morning; and number 1 is "Why don't you give yourself 5 or 10 minutes. Tell me how you feel after that." I have to say that the latter works, too... most of the time.

Edna Lee said...

I use the "5 to 10 minute break" pretty often myself.

Also, when a kid comes to me and says he can't work because his leg hurts from playing at lunch or something (although he was fine before we started to work), I often express my sympathies for his discomfort and remind him to be sure to tell his mother when he gets home so she can take a look at it. Then it's, "OK! Back to work!"

Wamblings said...

hilarious

Wamblings said...

hilarious! I'll pass this important tip on to my daughter. She has a Montessori classroom of 3 - 5 year olds. I think she could use a little cold water herself.