Times Have Changed

I suppose we have all received that chain email outlining the rules teachers had to abide by in 1872. I recently got it again in my inbox, and thought I'd include it here with my thoughts on each rule for today's classroom.

I encourage you to add your thoughts as well!

Teacher Rules, 1872

Teachers each day will fill lamps, and clean chimneys.

I don't think this is my job anymore, but can someone explain why half my lights don't work and the heater spits out flaming dust balls? Maybe someone should fill the lamps and clean the chimneys?

Each teacher will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of coal for the day's session.

I see the need for the bucket of water. Waterboarding those unruly students won't happen on its own. I don't think I would be able to bring in a scuttle of coal since I'm not entirely sure what a "scuttle" is. Is it bigger than a breadbox?

Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to the individual taste of the pupils.

Individual tastes range from "Pointy enough for effective ear cleaning without damaging ear drums" to "Efficient for spearing roaches in a single shot during math."

Men teachers may take one evening each week for courting purposes, or two evenings a week if they go to church regularly.

Well, under the law, they are entitled to a fair and speedy trial and going to church should only serve to bolster their cases. That's actually good advice.

After ten hours in school, the teachers may spend the remaining time reading the Bible or other good books.

Like Learn Me Good. (A shameless plug for a man unafraid of shamelessly plugging himself!)

Women teachers who marry or engage in unseemly conduct will be dismissed.

I can see dismissing women who get married. Clearly, they have their priorities all screwed up. But to fire someone for unseemly conduct??!? Come on!

Every teacher should lay aside from each day pay a goodly sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years so that he will not become a burden on society.

Due to this job, I have prematurely entered my "declining years," so I'm going to spend my money now. Besides, I've spent all my "good years" working with some delinquents who may be a burden on society long before their "declining years." Let's face it, they're gonna owe me.

Any teacher who smokes, uses liquor in any form, frequents pool or public halls, or gets shaved in a barber shop will give good reason to suspect his worth, intention, integrity and honesty.

I've never been shaved in a barbershop but I have been waxed in a salon. Does that count?

The teacher who performs his labor faithfully and without fault for five years will be given an increase of twenty-five cents per week in his pay, providing the Board of Education approves.

Some things never change.