A Little Too Open House

At Open House this year, I had a fun little conversation with a fourth grader from my class and her second grade sister.

Me: Wow! That's a nice diorama. That's a good grade on it too! Did you make it?

2nd Grader: No. My mommy did.

4th Grader (trying to save face): You helped!

2nd: No I didn't.

4th: Sure you did. You colored and painted.

2nd: No I didn't.

4th: You told Mom where to put stuff in the shoebox.

2nd: No I didn't. She made it after I went to bed.

4th: Well, you're not supposed to admit THAT to a teacher! You have a lot to learn. 

A Toes to You

Not school related, but funny nonetheless.

I got a pedicure recently. The lady in the chair next to me was a little wacky, and the lady doing her pedi did not speak great English.

Wacky Lady: I want a flower on my big toe. I don't care what color. Make it red. No, make it black.

Pedi Lady: What color?

WL: Red! No, black. Make it black.

PL: So, red?

WL: Sure. That's fine. No, wait, make it black.

PL: Sooooo, what color?

WL: Red.

PL: I'll make it red.

WL: No, black. I want black.

PL: Ok. ok. I'll make it for you.

She got her flower.

It was purple.

Boy Meets Girl

One of the kids' favorite topics in science is magnetic forces.

I integrate Language Arts standards into my Science instruction, so we read a little story about a lonely magnet who can't ever get near his friends. They are alike and keep repelling away from each other, as magnets do when like poles face each other.  Then one day, he meets a girl magnet who is the opposite of him, and he has an instant "attraction" to her.

Then we had to talk about the multiple meanings for the word "attraction" since many of my kids are second language learners.

And one kids says, "I get it. Attraction is what my mom feels when she sees a guy with a nice butt!"

Yes. Yes, that's it exactly. Be sure to tell your mom you shared that in class.
She'll be so proud of you.

Bridge Over Troubled Lectures

I had to talk to a dad about how his fifth grade son, who's usually super sweet, was picking on some of my fourth graders.

Clearly, Dad was not used to handling these situations, since his son is not often mean to others, so he fumbled his way through his lecture.

Dad: Why did you do this?

Kid: Jack was doing it, so I just started doing it too.

Dad: Jack?!? Never follow what Jack is doing! He's always in trouble. NEVER follow what he's doing Ever! Not unless he's jumping off a bridge.

Kid: _______

Me: _______

Dad: _______________ Wait. Scratch that. That's not quite the saying I thought it was. When he's jumping off a bridge, you jump too.

Kid: ______

Me: ______

Dad: _______________________ Wait. Not that either. Don't even go on a bridge with Jack. Aaaaaannd, stop picking on fourth graders.

Problem.

Solved.

I'm Freeeee!

I had to leave the confines of the school gates to talk with a parent at dismissal.

As I walked past an SUV with the windows halfway down, I hear a little kid in the backseat say:

"Hey! Who let that 4th grade teacher out?"

AC/DSee I Know a Song

Did I ever tell you about the time I was asked to record a kindergartener singing his favorite song?
(Probably...)

I was student teaching, and his name was James.

My master teacher was awesome. She had so many songs for her class. The Good Morning Song, The Postman Song, The Clean Up Song, The Snack Song.

So James, a tape recorder and I headed into the workroom to record him singing his favorite song in his best five-year-old-boy voice.

Me: Alrighty, go ahead and sing!

James: She was a fast machine
            She kept her motor clean
            She was the best damn woman
            I had
            ever seen...

I let him sing the whole song in his best five-year-old-boy voice.

And I think of him every time I hear it.

Cheesy Story

This is not a school story, but it is a true story nonetheless.

A cautionary tale about sending a rookie in to do a pro's job.

This was overheard in the checkout line at the grocery store.

Flustered and hurried Dad: Hey! Who put this giant bucket of cheese balls in the cart? Put these back!

Kid: Uuummm, you did, Dad.

Other kid: Yeh, that's right, you did. You said Mom would like them.

Dad: I did? Well then...ok, I guess.

Dad goes back to unloading the cart.

The kids look at each other in total disbelief that that actually worked.

And they spot me slowly shaking my head at their shenanigans.

But smiling at their brilliance.

The State of Our Testing is Snotty

This year, very few exciting things happened during state testing.

Here were some of the highlights from Day One:

I watched a kid take his headphones off and use the foam parts to wipe his nose. That made me think, after dry-heaving over my desk drawer, maybe I should walk around and offer some tissues. One of my sneeziest, drippiest kids said "no thanks" to the tissues and then immediately wiped a big, wet line of snot onto his arm. The skin of his arm, not his sleeve. I turned away from him to throw up in my mouth when I spotted another kid rolling boogers into dirty little balls in his palm and shoving them between the keys of his chrome book.

Day Two didn't go much differently.

In fact, this is kind of every day in teaching.